Friday, March 13, 2020.
Covid lands at a nursing home in Kirkland, the punk ass coward. He closes schools in Seattle and spreads through the community.
I wake up with a cold. An upset stomach. Is this the end? Do I have coronavirus? What to make of this? How will I respond? I know people are wigging. What do I think? Should I tell Covid to suck my balls? My brain goes click boom bust and a few moments later I post this to facebook. A swing, a punch. The fight is on:
Hi, I’m writing this from the epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak — Seattle. This morning I woke up with the early symptoms of coronavirus and after looking at the prognosis I can only conclude that at some point in the last week I was exposed to the virus and fate has dealt me a cruel hand. It appears over the next few days I will experience a mild illness.
Confronting your own humanity is humbling, and staring this virus in the face really makes you take stock of your situation. I’ve spent some lonely hours this morning contemplating the end and, as others have done in times past when facing their own demise, I just wanted to share a few thoughts that passed through my mind about life — and living — and death — as I now prepare to have a bad cold.
1-Don’t waste a second on stupid stuff. I mean, when it is done, it’s done. This fall, I got way too wrapped up in the Seahawks. Especially Justin Britt’s injury. For about a week I was really devastated that he went out when he did. How could they survive the season without Britt? The o-line was already a mess and we needed our running game to have a chance. I spent a few days trying to calm myself by following the experts on talk radio who said that Russell could roll out and we’d have a better chance with some run option things, but I still wasn’t buying it. I remember being worked up about the lack of gap integrity without Britt and getting in a fight with my wife about it…and in the end…here’s the thing…it was all for naught. Joey Hunt came in and did a suitable job as back up. He really did. Britt, don’t get me wrong, is an absolute stud, and I don’t know if things would have gone different with him in there — probably not as the season was defined by Chris Carson and Rashaad Penny going out (in back to back games!)…but truly Joey Hunt did just fine. I think back to all of those hours that week Britt first went out when I was pissed, sad, distracted, absorbed in the fate of the hawks, and I think to the time that was missed, when I could have been doing other things like scouting the next opponent, and I just…feel so much regret.
2-Make sure to think for yourself. Life is so short. And when it’s over, when you’re facing the end — well, I know from experience this morning — it really feels good to know that you made your own decisions and you lived it on your own terms. That you didn’t let anyone influence your decisions, make your decisions for you — that you weren’t a tool or a stooge for someone else’s agenda — that you did indeed connect with your soul and live for its purpose. There is no sweeter feeling than knowing you lived authentically, especially when you face having an upset tummy for a few days. I can’t tell you how much satisfaction — in my soul — I feel when I think about the decision I had to make between buying a tesla or a prius. I could have avoided it. I totally could have just looked the other way. But I said, no, it’s time to decide. Many hours this morning I’ve spent going over –with pride and satisfaction — the choice from my soul that I had the guts to make…resulting in the decision to go with the prius. It would have been trendier to go with the tesla, and I might have scored some more points with the cool crowd, but my soul spoke to me and said, no, it’s the prius. That’s the one for you. I’m so glad I listened. Also, switching from top pot to mighty-o donuts was a big one. God, what I would have lost had I stayed with top pot. Had I ignored that impulse. But my gut just said, no, no, it’s time. It’s time. I know you’ve built things up here, you’ve enjoyed the maple bars, you could stay with a sure thing, but there is something about that ballard institution that is calling. It’s funny, but I never saw myself as a mighty-o man, but then…well, next thing I knew I was there enjoying a cocoloco and a devil’s playground and…what I would have missed. Listen to your soul. All the way. Make those big choices. Follow them. As I sit here with just the tiniest of aches in my joints I feel so much relief to know I have a prius parked out on the street and a naked cake in the fridge. Point is…I am proud I MADE those decisions. I look back now, in this bed, and say…good on you sir. Make the big decisions, think fully, all the way, to your depths…You might even, as I did a few weeks ago, find yourself switching from following j-lo to kim on instagram. A few weeks of bliss…and now, true satisfaction, knowing I’ve lived to my soul’s deep content. I think.
3-Last, and most important, don’t ever let anyone tell you not to be afraid. Dying is horrible. And most horrible of all is the fact that we are all going to die. That is so cruel and just mean! Seriously unfair. Fucking assholes. How dare we all die. What the hell. Look — if you’re going to die–anyway, no matter what — you better not ever fucking live for one fucking second because it might make you die sooner. Okay! And don’t listen to those bastards who say well this is all fucking stupid shutting down industries, destroying school years, obliterating relationships, opportunities, economies, mortgages, careers, launching homeless people and others with absolutely no safety net into the street, crowding hospitals with the neurotic and hysterical and preventing truly sick people from getting help — to stave off for one second a mild illness. Don’t you listen to them! Not for one second. Life is scary and horrible and mean. We die!!! All of us. What the fuck is up with that. It’s so mean! So don’t you fucking live for one second because it might just usher in death sooner and then where are you? You’re fucked that’s where you are. Fucked and dead and fucked!
Got a little carried away. So much energy that I almost had to take a moment before carrying on–the virus gives you a slight headache.
Anyway, just a few thoughts, as I await my fate knowing I probably have coronavirus. I could go on but I have a tennis game this afternoon.
Live from the epicenter. Godspeed America.